WotCher soFftlings! 

Our BRILLIUNT NOO BURK GOBBLIN KWEST telLs the electrpyiNg storey ov how soMe of uss Gobblins leFt ClovenstoNe to go on a DANGERUS AN DARING KWEST. Usully in burKs an moOvies itt is only soffTlings an elvs aNd rubish DWARVS who geTs to gO on Kwests, so wee thort iTt was abOut time uss GOBbliNs had a go an showEd every1 hoW itt shouLd be done. Here is ouR... 


A SofFtling on a KWEST bein iRritATED by some CLOUD MAIDENS. (Paintin by ARThUR HUGHES)

1.  YoU neEd sumthing to kwest for.

If you just gOes off on a long jurNey wiThout enny speCial reeson, that is NOTT A KWEST, itT is juSt a buncH of wierdoes walKin about a bit. You shoolD alwaYs have a speCial plaCe yoo nEEds to get to, or betta stil a MAGICLE OBJECT thatT you neEd to fiNd. GoOd magiCle obJekts to go Kwestin for inclUde: the Holly Grail (abuv), the Losst Ark, King Sollomon's Minah BiRd (AKA the Eegle of the 9th) an Rin Tin Tin's Tin Din-Dins Bin.*

*There is of cors no such thiNg as Rin Tin Tin's Tin Din-Dins Bin. We asKed for everybodies fave magicle obJects and we thort somone said that, but it was jUst Gutgust falling down the stares in all his ARMOUR (agane).

2.   TheRe neEds to bEe a hOle buncH of you.

A Bunch Of Wierdoes Walkin About A Bit (paintin by the BRUTHERS HILDEBRAND)
If yOu goes ofF on a KWEST on yore oWn you wil havs no one to torlk to, an nobOddy to bLame when you gEts LOST. Also, if yoo meat a MAN EETIN TREE likE we did it wil hav to eEt YOO, whEreas if you taKe alonG a TASTIER LoKIN COMPNANION thEy is thE one whAt wil probbobibbly gEt scOFFed.  

When wee set ofF from CLOVENSTONE weE made surE thAt eVery mEmber of oUr FLELLOWSHIP had a diffreNt TALLENT which wouLd prove useFul on our KWEST. Here is a LIST of them. (It is a LIST WITHIN A LIST, How Verry Post-Modurn.)

HENwYN: is pritty cLever foR a sofftlIng anD hlePed us find ouR way thROugh the WasTes of UlaWn to the WeSTERN OCEAN. Also he loOks likE a TASTY SNACK for enny man eEtin floliage. 

SKARPER: is a BRAVE an WISE an STRANgELY ATtRACTIVE goBblin, brilliUnt at steelin thiNGs, outWitting viLains an diktating lists of Kwestin tiPps.

GUTGUST: can say ANCHOVIES at wil.

SPURTLE: A smalL and unImpreSSive gobBlin, but wen danGer threAtens he caN maGiccaly TRANsFORM himslef inTo a smalL and unimPressive SOFA. (Thiss is notT much uSe in a tiTe corNer, to be onnest, buTt at least whEn the danger is over you caN hav a nice sitt dowN on him.)

GRUMPLING: can shOut at peeple an bash thiNgs, but thatt is notT his only talleNt: he can alSo shouT at tHings an bash Peeple.

ZEEWA: is hanDy with a SPEeR an undertsnands BOATs an is a brIliunt HUNTER whiCh meens shE can catCh BREKKFAST noM NOm.

FLEgG: heE is noTt mucH use at anyThing whY did we briNg him agane I forGET?

4. Take a MAPP


A KWEST is no use if yoU dusn'T hav a diRty big MAPP shOwin all the plaCes you is goin to gO, so you can geT worried loOkin at all the SCARY SOUNDIN NAMES such as the SWOMP OF PERIL, the MOUNTINS of CHAOS the ChASM OF HORIBLE DEATH. (who woUld caLl a chasM somethin like thaT why not the Chasm of the Nice Kittens thatT would be a bit moar chEery evrybody likEs kittens nom nom burp etc.)


Kwestin cAnn be a HNUNGRY BISUNESS. Look at thiS sOfftling; he has bEEn Kwestin all over the place with no SNACKS and now he has clollApsed frOm HNUNGER and a lade with wiNgs is thinKin abOut steaLin his FASHIONUBBLE SHOES. NotT only thaTt, but a MAN-EETIN TREE is scoffin his shield. 
PaintiN by that EDWArD BURnE_JONEs.



The maNe truBble with KWESTs is all the MONSTERS. ItT woUld be quite eaSy if all theM bliMmin TROLS, SEA SPERPENTS, MAN EETIN TREES, VAMPIRES, GHOSTS, BALRoGS ETC did notT keEp geTting in thE way. Oi you teLl them, I'm kwestin here, but wil they lisTten? No, itt is all RARGH, GRR, ARGH etc they havs gotT NO CONSIDERATTION. Best gett youRself a gOod insuraNce piolicy and a MAGICLE SWORD.

8. Magicle SwOrds/ Shields/WaRhorns etc

Sword by Fableblades 
These is verRy usefil artickles an eveRy Kwester shoUld caRry wun. SofFtling heroes is alWays geTting hanDed magicle sworDs forged in lost DwarVen Halls when the World was yung itt is allright for some. UnfnortunTately theRe is nott any leFt in Clovenstone. TheRe is only a magicle trUmpet called the ELVENHORN, butT it got stoleN which is wHy we hadd to go on a Kwest in the 1st plaCe. (We dids not know it was a magicle trUmpet we thort it was a back scratchler.) 

HenwYn has a sword butT itt is nott magicle it is just a bitT rusty.

10. Be HEPLFUL to tHose yoo mEet aLong the WaY...

...aNd maYbe they wil HElp you later on wHen you is in DIREST NEeD.  

For insTance, when PriNce BrewyOn of Tyr Trewas was on his KweSt for the Speer of Morva he helPed an Old maN to ford the River Ystwyth, & latEr when he was strUggling to fill in his EXpenSes Claim it turNed out that the Old Man was reely an AccountaNt in disguise and Lo! he heLped PrinCe BrewyoN fill out the CoMpliCated Forms and explaNed how his magicle Sword was a TAX DeDUCTIBBLE BISUNESS EXPENSE therebY saving him £££s. 

So if you mEet an aNNoyin Old Man at the starrt of yoye KWEST, do not blow RASPBERIES at him an make fune of his UNFASHIONABBLE SHOES. For if yoo aRe KIND to him he maY turn out to be a WIZZARD, an lateR when you are beEin menaced by KILER MERMAIDS or similAr he wiLl tuRn up an SAVE thE DAY. 

Or maybe he wOn't - soMetimes anNoyin old Men turn ouT to be just Annoyin Old men, itt is one of their MOAST ANNOYIN FEETURES.

An Annoyin Old Man



Anonymous said...

This is really funny, especially the captions. I didn't notice the numbering the first time I read it...

Funnily enough I'm writing a crossover fanfict... I mean piece of literature inspired by Mortal Engines and some other stuff, which has a scene where the hero collapses and is promptly accosted by a girl in wings who tries to take his boots. I couldn't make it up if I tried.

Philip Reeve said...

Ah, glad you liked it! I thought it was fun, but all I got was people going 'It's SO HARD TO READ'. Anyway, good luck with your story - sounds intriguing. And moar fromm the Goblins soon, I hope.

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